In The Midst
I was alone, sitting in my favorite chair in the den as I usually did that time of morning, with my study Bible open on my lap and a notebook at the ready beside me.
I was trying to prepare for another Sunday morning of teaching the adult Sunday School lesson at my dad's small Pentecostal church, but once again I was distracted by a reoccurring thought, a cry I had been crying out to God for almost a year now:
I had come through one of the hardest times of my entire life and was safely on the other side of what we Pentecostals refer to as "the storm" or "the battle". And truly, it was a storm that raged around my heart and mind for almost two solid years. It was a daily battle, sometimes won minute by minute, to keep my mind focused on the goodness of God and faithfulness of the Lord, to not give in to doubt, depression, sadness... to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Eat, sleep, pray, church, repeat.
The details of the storm doesn't really matter. If you live long enough, you will inevitably start racking up some battle scars of your own. You'll have personal war stories of times you fought discouragement, unbelief... fill-in-the-blank.
The important part of this particular storm is that it was over, I was actually doing really well and yet I was struggling hard core with why God had been so quiet through the entire ordeal. I mean.... deadly silent.
No personal prophecy telling me I was coming out in Jesus' name.
No word of knowledge to let me know He saw me sitting by the lake sobbing my heart out.
No moments of electricity running up and down my arms to let me know He was right there beside me.
I got no goose bumps, no divine revelation of the purpose to my pain.... nothing.
I knew He had never left me. In fact, not long after I walked into this particular dark period, I sat in my car and started to yelling,
and had to stop. I knew better than that. I had been through enough storms in my short life to know that He NEVER leaves. He never walks out in the middle of a battle with a, "You got this - you don't need me anymore."
In fact, it was in that moment that I realized, Oh.... I am solid on that one. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He goes with me always, even to the very end of the world.
And how did I get solid on that foundational truth? Well, you see, there had been this other storm many years before....
See, we go through many different seasons in life. Sometimes they are seasons of dry times - no deep move of the Spirit in your life, feeling like you are so thirsty for Him but can't see or feel Him anywhere near you.... It's like a wilderness, barren and lonely.
Sometimes it's a season of plenty: everywhere you go, someone is prophesying the blessings of God over you; every time you open your Bible, BAM! revelation and food for your soul. Your prayer time is like wading through the deep waters of God, the heavens opening up and raining down on you.
Enjoy those times...they don't seem to last nearly as long as the dry seasons :-D
But one thing I've learned - each season reveals a new aspect of the character and nature of Jesus. Every. Single. One.
Somehow, you will come out of that season a little more solid in something, a little more determined to know Him greater....a little closer to the One your soul loves.
God told the children of Israel, in Deuteronomy 8:2 (NASB):
1. To humble them - they were a prideful and stubborn people. His nickname for them was "stiff-necked"!
2. To test their hearts for loyalty and faithfulness.
Spoiler Alert: They mostly failed.
God knows our hearts. He knows every thought you have had, are having, and will ever have. Therefore, He does not test us to know our hearts per say, but to reveal what is in our hearts - to us.
Why?
Because we are full of bitterness, jealousy, envy, doubt, and so many other thigs that look nothing like our Jesus....but we don't see that until He pulls the cover back and shows us what HE sees in us.
Why does He do it?
Because He LOVES us. He desires to fellowship like best friends (Abraham), to reveal Himself to us (Moses) and for us to know His heart (David). But a holy God cannot fellowship with an unholy people - not in fullness.
So, in His great love and desire for these things, He convicts us, He brings us through the fire of purification and, like gold, reveals and removes the impurities.
Because He loves us.
Isn't that beautiful!?
So, did I get my answer that day? You tell me - this is what I heard, as loud and clear as I have ever heard the Lord Jesus speak to me personally. I heard a conversation about me:
"She can handle it."
(pause)
"I will help her."
He did not give me the "why" for the storm of my life, but He did answer the hurt of my heart...
He was RIGHT THERE the whole time, carrying me, helping me, pushing me, guiding me, holding me.
In just one second, I saw a glimpse of the many times I knelt in front of my couch and sobbed my heart out - and I saw my head resting in His lap.
He may have been silent, but He was always standing right by my side. I was never in danger of losing....I was fighting along side the Captain of the Hosts of the Armies of Heaven.
Was He silent to my ears? Yes. But He. Never. Left.
May you rest today in knowing in Whom you have believed, the one your soul loves.
He is faithful to His children! If we won't abandon our babies, why do we assume the One that made us that way will?
And He loves you with an unfailing love. It is not possible for Him to quit loving you, anymore than we can decide to quit loving our children; but even if you could - He still will not!
Look for Jesus today in your season. Look for His rest, His hand of help, His place of refuge. Look for His still small voice.
And even if you can't see, hear, or feel Him just yet, remember....
He's standing right beside you.
Amy
*Today's soundtrack: Hollyn - In Awe
I was trying to prepare for another Sunday morning of teaching the adult Sunday School lesson at my dad's small Pentecostal church, but once again I was distracted by a reoccurring thought, a cry I had been crying out to God for almost a year now:
"Where were You when I needed You?!"For almost a year now, I'd be in the middle of talking to Him about something totally unrelated and bam! Out of my mouth would fly that same question, my voice tinged with hurt, my heart full of pain. It's like my mouth had a mind of it's own and that mind was driving my quiet time these days.
I had come through one of the hardest times of my entire life and was safely on the other side of what we Pentecostals refer to as "the storm" or "the battle". And truly, it was a storm that raged around my heart and mind for almost two solid years. It was a daily battle, sometimes won minute by minute, to keep my mind focused on the goodness of God and faithfulness of the Lord, to not give in to doubt, depression, sadness... to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Eat, sleep, pray, church, repeat.
The details of the storm doesn't really matter. If you live long enough, you will inevitably start racking up some battle scars of your own. You'll have personal war stories of times you fought discouragement, unbelief... fill-in-the-blank.
The important part of this particular storm is that it was over, I was actually doing really well and yet I was struggling hard core with why God had been so quiet through the entire ordeal. I mean.... deadly silent.
No personal prophecy telling me I was coming out in Jesus' name.
No word of knowledge to let me know He saw me sitting by the lake sobbing my heart out.
No moments of electricity running up and down my arms to let me know He was right there beside me.
I got no goose bumps, no divine revelation of the purpose to my pain.... nothing.
I knew He had never left me. In fact, not long after I walked into this particular dark period, I sat in my car and started to yelling,
"Why did you le...!"
and had to stop. I knew better than that. I had been through enough storms in my short life to know that He NEVER leaves. He never walks out in the middle of a battle with a, "You got this - you don't need me anymore."
In fact, it was in that moment that I realized, Oh.... I am solid on that one. He never leaves nor forsakes me. He goes with me always, even to the very end of the world.
And how did I get solid on that foundational truth? Well, you see, there had been this other storm many years before....
See, we go through many different seasons in life. Sometimes they are seasons of dry times - no deep move of the Spirit in your life, feeling like you are so thirsty for Him but can't see or feel Him anywhere near you.... It's like a wilderness, barren and lonely.
Sometimes it's a season of plenty: everywhere you go, someone is prophesying the blessings of God over you; every time you open your Bible, BAM! revelation and food for your soul. Your prayer time is like wading through the deep waters of God, the heavens opening up and raining down on you.
Enjoy those times...they don't seem to last nearly as long as the dry seasons :-D
But one thing I've learned - each season reveals a new aspect of the character and nature of Jesus. Every. Single. One.
Somehow, you will come out of that season a little more solid in something, a little more determined to know Him greater....a little closer to the One your soul loves.
God told the children of Israel, in Deuteronomy 8:2 (NASB):
"You shall remember all the way which the Lord your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."It was never by accident that they wondered 40 years in a place that taught them to totally depend upon God for their every need. He gave them several reasons, in fact:
1. To humble them - they were a prideful and stubborn people. His nickname for them was "stiff-necked"!
2. To test their hearts for loyalty and faithfulness.
Spoiler Alert: They mostly failed.
God knows our hearts. He knows every thought you have had, are having, and will ever have. Therefore, He does not test us to know our hearts per say, but to reveal what is in our hearts - to us.
Why?
Because we are full of bitterness, jealousy, envy, doubt, and so many other thigs that look nothing like our Jesus....but we don't see that until He pulls the cover back and shows us what HE sees in us.
Why does He do it?
Because He LOVES us. He desires to fellowship like best friends (Abraham), to reveal Himself to us (Moses) and for us to know His heart (David). But a holy God cannot fellowship with an unholy people - not in fullness.
So, in His great love and desire for these things, He convicts us, He brings us through the fire of purification and, like gold, reveals and removes the impurities.
Because He loves us.
Isn't that beautiful!?
So, did I get my answer that day? You tell me - this is what I heard, as loud and clear as I have ever heard the Lord Jesus speak to me personally. I heard a conversation about me:
"She can handle it."
(pause)
"I will help her."
He did not give me the "why" for the storm of my life, but He did answer the hurt of my heart...
He was RIGHT THERE the whole time, carrying me, helping me, pushing me, guiding me, holding me.
In just one second, I saw a glimpse of the many times I knelt in front of my couch and sobbed my heart out - and I saw my head resting in His lap.
He may have been silent, but He was always standing right by my side. I was never in danger of losing....I was fighting along side the Captain of the Hosts of the Armies of Heaven.
Was He silent to my ears? Yes. But He. Never. Left.
May you rest today in knowing in Whom you have believed, the one your soul loves.
He is faithful to His children! If we won't abandon our babies, why do we assume the One that made us that way will?
And He loves you with an unfailing love. It is not possible for Him to quit loving you, anymore than we can decide to quit loving our children; but even if you could - He still will not!
Look for Jesus today in your season. Look for His rest, His hand of help, His place of refuge. Look for His still small voice.
And even if you can't see, hear, or feel Him just yet, remember....
He's standing right beside you.
"God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early." Psalm 46:5Be blessed.
Amy
*Today's soundtrack: Hollyn - In Awe
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