Beloved ♥

A sweet friend, Shana, gifted me with this tee for my birthday last week, knowing its message has a special place in my heart. 

My entire life, until 5 or 6 years ago, I could look you in the eye and confidently tell you how much God loves you... but I couldn't look in the mirror and confidently tell myself the same thing

Many many times I looked out into an audience and thought, "You love them SO much!" I could *feel* His heart for them and it was beautiful and full of love. But I did not feel that deep love toward me personally.

I also could not confidently tell Him that I loved Him.

I felt like I loved Him in a general sense—I loved His goodness, His kindness, even His justice and rebuke—but I really struggled to sing the songs that told of my great love for Him or His great love for me. Something just felt off enough that it didn't feel true.

I can't and won't lie, especially to the One who knows all my thoughts before they're even coherent! (Psalm 139:2) I just told Him the truth: "I love You... but not yet with my whole heart. I'm sorry."

Now, I use the word "feel" for lack of a better word.

Think about how you feel when you look at your own child/parent/spouse.... that feeling deep down in your soul that guarantees you'd take a bullet for them... you'd give them your own beating heart if they needed one.

That deep, unshakeable confident feeling of love was missing in my relationship with God... both from and to Him.

In retrospect, I think it partly stemmed from being in church my whole life, never straying too far into the things we usually consider the *big sins*... if you don't have those big moments of being forgiven of much, how can you have those big moments of feeling overwhelming love for the One who forgave you much?

Oh, I have been forgiven of much, I just didn't realize it at the time. (How much more does He hates pride than drunkenness or rebellion than fornication?!)

Now, I love "love". I'm a romantic by nature. I love my husband passionately, I love my children with my entire being. I'd die for each one of them.

But when it came to saying the same words about God, I hesitated. I would die for Him, that I believe, but only because I knew it was the right thing to do.... not out of a deep love for Him.

I listened to others talk about their love for God and His love for them and I could tell I didn't have that same intimate and loving relationship they seemed to have.

I even asked some of them—"Do you really believe He loves you that much? You never have doubts about His love for you???"

And they would look at me incredulously and say, "Of course He loves us... how can you doubt that?!"

I did *know* it because the Bible told me so... but there was a disconnect somewhere between what I knew with my intellect and what I knew and felt deep down in my soul.

And it was affecting my relationship with Him. It's hard to pray confidently to a God you aren't sure truly loves YOU, <insert name>, cares for you and wants to answer you.

But about 6 years ago I became full of despair as I could not seem to get to where I wanted to go with Him. I began to cry out to Him about this subject every time I was in His presence. I'd be mid-conversation with Him and it would pour out of my mouth like a torrent:

Do You not love me like You love so-and-so?

Are there some of us You love more than others???

And my heart would beg Him: Tell me You love me! Show me how much you love ME, Amy!

I began to search the Scriptures for a verse that proved He loves ME just as passionately as He seemed to love others.

I decided to treat this how I treat salvation: the Word of God says Jesus died for my sin and all I have to do to have access to that atonement is believe it in my heart and confess it with my mouth.

If that is all it takes to become born again, then I can read His words of love and choose to believe and confess that truth as well. So, I did. And it did begin to take root in my heart. The word of God is, after all, good seed.

And I kept talking to Him about it. At least weekly I reminded Him, "Jesus, I want to know Your love for me; I want to be able to truthfully say I love You!"

It was at least 6-9 months before I felt like He had heard me.

One day, sitting in a chair studying His word, I suddenly noticed the bookmark in my Bible that had the meaning of my name in big bold letters:

Amy is a French word meaning "beloved".

I sat there in total shock. How had I forgotten that?!

I'd heard the story of how my name was chosen for me many times:

My mom still didn't have a name picked out for me the day I was born, so she asked my Aunt Becky what names she liked. Aunt Becky had always loved the book Little Women and the name Amy, so that's what my mom chose: Amy Rebekah.

I loved that story because I was named by and after the aunt I look just like and have always loved.

As I sat there staring at that bookmark, I recognized that moment for what it was: a very loud statement from the One who formed me in my mother's womb and wrote down all of my days before I had lived a single one! (Psalm 139:16)

Before I existed, He knew the questions I'd have, the struggles I'd face... and He went before me, preparing answers before the question even existed in my mind. He knew there'd come a day that I would need assurance that He saw me, loved me, picked me... so He literally inspired my mom to name me "Amy"... all so that I could see that bookmark on that specific day and know: Amy is beloved!

Before the foundation of the world, He chose my name, my nature, my strengths... even my weaknesses were factored into His great plan for my life!

And He named me "Beloved." Literally, lol.

I cried my eyes out that day, in awe and joy—and a little piece of my heart clicked into place.

A few months later, after church, my sweet friend Shana handed me a poem with my name on it. She said something along the lines of, "This just kind of flowed out of me for you the other day. I hope it blesses you."

I read it as soon as I got home and was soon in tears again. It was two pages of poetry about God's love for Amy. Shana literally used words and phrases that I had prayed to God over the previous months in secret. Prophetic poetry... what a gift! Things I had cried out to Him in secret, He repeated back to me WORD FOR WORD. She had no way of knowing that—no one could have revealed the words of my heart to her except the only One I revealed them to myself: JESUS.

And once again, His love poured over me personally, Amy Rebekah Krupinski, and another piece of my heart clicked into place.

Not long after that I found a notebook with prophecies I'd received and written down from as early as 19 years old. As I flipped through the pages, I read so many specific promises I'd forgotten about, yet He'd fulfilled every single one anyway.

Not because I reminded Him; not because I made it happen... but because He loved me so much He'd hedged my way in with His own words before I took one step toward Him.

Because He loves ME.

And that day the final piece of my heart clicked into place and I felt something I'd never truly experienced before; real, soul-deep, unwavering confidence in His love for me.

I knew that I knew that I knew: Jesus loves ME, Amy.

And with that came another realization: my own overwhelming, deep deep deep down-to-the-bottom-of-my-soul love for Him.

I know it's kind of selfish, but it's true what the Apostle John said:

We love Him because He first loved us.

Once you come to an intimate knowledge of His personal, individual love for yourself, you can never unknow it. Once you truly understand how much He loves you... you cannot help but love Him in return.

You love Him because He first loved you.

I'm sharing this today, again, because in all the years I struggled with this (over 30 years!), I never heard this addressed. Everyone talked about their love for God or His great love for them, but I never heard anyone talk about how to serve a God you are in a relationship with but aren't sure you love... or maybe even love certain attributes of their character and nature, but you feel like something is still missing.

There is a very real difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone. I love my brothers but I'm in love with my husband. I love my children but I'm IN LOVE with my husband. He gets the parts of me that no one gets access to. He has seen me at my worst and loves me still, and vice versa.

Yet, even with a spouse, you cannot ever truly reveal all of yourself. There are secrets we keep, ugly places we hide that keep us from total intimacy with another person... but that's not true with Jesus!

He already sees and knows all the ugly parts, the thoughts we don't share with anyone... and He loves us anyway. And that's how you can have a relationship with the God of Heaven that truly transcends anything a human can offer you. He knows every part of you and loves you anyway. There is nothing you can reveal to Him... He already sees it all and still loves you!

For years I loved His word, studied and taught His word, and truly did love Him in measure... but there was something missing. I had not fallen in passionate love with Him.

But now I sing those songs of love from the depths of my soul; now I read those passages about the love of God and I hear Him speaking directly to me. Now I worship Him with a new, deeper passion.

There are times it feels like it's just me and Jesus. If He had to die for just one soul, mine, He still would have gone to that cross willingly just for me — I am now that confident of His love for me!

And I can now truthfully say that I am in love with Him. If you feel the same way I used to feel, know that you are not alone. I've met many since I originally gave this testimony who feel the same way I once did.

Maybe you love Him but you don't feel the same level of passion toward Him that others seem to have.

Maybe you struggle to even say the words to Him because they just don't ring true for you in the way you know they should.

Maybe you've never experienced great love and aren't sure how to express it or feel it or even recognize it.

Here's my advice:

1. Tell God the truth: "I want to have that kind of relationship with You, I just don't how to make it happen... will you help me?"

He IS truth and all of His works are done in truth (Psalm 33:4) therefore, you must tell Him the truth when you come to Him expecting anything in return. Just be honest... He already knows anyway!

Don't stop asking, seeking, knocking—He has promised to answer!

2. Spend time with Him. You get to know people by spending time with them, listening to them. Open His word and read. Observe His creation and ask questions... then wait for His answers.

To know Him is to love Him. To know Him is to know what He loves; He loves you.

3. Seek after Him with your whole heart. Pursue Him as much if not more than you would or did your spouse. He's definitely worth the pursuit. Make getting to know Jesus a priority.

God IS love... and He is well able to show you, teach you, draw you, and wrap you in a love that knows no bounds.

He will take you on an individual journey that may look nothing like mine; it will be *your* love story. He knows what you need to see, hear, and feel to know His great love for you. He is able to draw you into a deeper, more passionate relationship.

And rest assured... His desire is for you to know His love for you and to be loved in return!

Once you know the love of God personally, you'll fall more and more in love with Him. It will change how you approach His written word, prayer, meditation, submission, everything! Loving Jesus brings true life and liberty!

I pray today that Jesus uses these words I've written to stir up a deeper desire in every reader to comprehend His great love for you until you are consumed with a passionate love for Him in return.

Be blessed!